Here at Menacing Kitten Headquarters, when we are not rolling around in money or laughing maniacally, we are taking lunch breaks. To offset all of the Chocotinis consumed on Martini Mondays, we eat processed, frozen veganballs in fibersauce brought to you by companies with Healthy, Lean, Lite or Right in their names.
These are the kind of meals that look like this on the box:
But really look like this after cooking:
In an absolutely unscientific poll, we’ve determined that 80% of all frozen meals are eaten at lunch. Why then, are the cooking instructions on these meals as office-unfriendly as humanly possible? They basically go something like this:
1. Stab film several times with a fork / peel back the corner / cut Wolverine-like slits.
2. Place meal in the microwave at 33% power for 25 minutes.
3. Turn it even though it is on a rotating plate.
4. Give a guilty look to co-workers who think you are done hogging the microwave.
5. Peel back film and stir.
6. We are going to tell you to reseal the film, even though there is no way the meal can be resealed, and your fibersauce will vomit all over the roof of the microwave.
7. Place it back in the microwave at 3.14159% power for 14 minutes.
8. Head back to your desk, because you can’t handle the glaring of hungry co-workers.
9. At 9 minutes remaining, wafting hints of fish or garlic will transform into a thick stench of ass-fog that consumes the entire third floor. Co-workers passive-aggressively groan, “what IS that?!?”
10. At 5 minutes remaining, chew on your mouse pad to stave off starvation and prepare your mouth for the texture and taste of veganballs.
11. At three minutes in, answer your phone.
12. Talk to chatty, complainy human for 10 minutes.
13. Realize you forgot about your veganballs and run back to office kitchen, only to be greeted by angry glares and cooked fibersauce ass-fog.
14. Grab the post-Apocalyptic heap that was your food and return to your desk, again guiltily avoiding eye contact with co-workers.
15. Eat meal, which is completely atomized on the outer crust, but manages to be 0 Kelvin in the center.
16. Be hungry again 15 minutes later.