This time of year brings an abundance of political mailers to our doorstep.  Thanks to a major election year and Arizona’s redistricting, we could wallpaper our family room with the brochures and pamphlets we receive.

With all of these options, how does one decide who to vote for? I mean, it’s not like you want to read the newspaper or look up their existing voting records, right? Who has time for any of that hullaballoo?  No, you want to judge your candidate off of those glossy little mailers.  Don’t you know you can tell with absolute certainty how patriotic someone is just from their mailer?  In fact, by assigning point values to items on the mailer, you can easily compare the patriotism of two candidates:

For each son or daughter shown = +3
Real patriots have kids – lots of ‘em!

For each grandchild shown = +5
Even better when the kids grow up and have more kids to make for big, smiley reunion photos! Plus, older = wiser.  If you are old enough to raise this big, wonderful family, you are basically a big Oz Head filled with knowledge and solutions to all of our problems.

For each great-grandchild shown= -2
Just don’t be too old, Wizard.

For each child shown who is not the candidate’s child = -5
Passing off other people’s kids as your own is easily fact-checkable, and is quite frankly a little creepy and weird.

If the only family picture shown is of the candidate holding one grandchild = -15
Even creepier (and weirder). Maybe it’s just weird to see such an angry person smile?

Candidate has a famous political dad = +3

Candidate’s dad is Dan Quayle = -5

But candidate and his dad Dan Quayle live in Arizona = +10

But candidate was just redistricted against someone who actually has experience in politics = -10

Candidate has a golden retriever = +10
Golden Retrievers are All-American Dogs – they drool apple pie and shed stars and stripes.  They bark in a cadence remarkably similar to Reagan’s “Tear Down This Wall” speech.  And besides – their GOLDEN! Do you know how valuable gold is right now? Owning a golden dog is an investment for your future and is the equivalent of having Glenn Beck’s endorsement.  This is a fact.

Candidate has a breed of dog that weighs less than 20 pounds = -15
Little dogs aren’t American.  You know who has little dogs? Hollywood elitists.

Candidate is wearing a button-down denim shirt = +1
Because you can’t get any more blue collar than a literal blue collar!

…With the sleeves rolled up = +5
See? The candidate is ready to work! Add a hard-hat to that look and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Candidate is endorsed by the fire department or police department = +20
Because firemen and policemen are American times infinity!

Candidate is endorsed by fire or police unions = -20
Because unions are Un-American times infinity! Ignore the cognitive dissonance rattling around in your skull; moving on…

Candidate has “a million-dollar smile” = +25
We’ve all heard Joe Biden speak off-the-cuff, right? So…how?!?

Oh, yeah.  A winning smile is “a big f-ing deal.”

Candidate has “Manson Lamps” for eyes = -15
Fortunately, there is a segment of the population that finds Crazy Eyes endearing, so this could be a good thing, depending on where the candidate lives.  Dead eyes are also bad, unless they can be Photoshopped to become bedroom eyes.  It’s a fine line, really.  Then you’ve got yourself an up-and-comer with People magazine “Eligible Bachelor” potential!

The candidate is married = +10
The candidate is a single man = -5
In politics, people are far more forgiving of an adulterer than a bachelor.  So if you are single and want a career in politics? Shack up with the nearest trophy, and fall into a loveless but equitable marriage.

Candidate is a single woman = -10
When people see single women in politics, do you know what they think? The woman is either an “uppity bitch” or a lesbian.  Whereas if you’re a married woman, you’re seen as…a shrieking harpy.  Really, you’re kind of working against the current no matter how you slice it.  Them’s the breaks, ladies. Sorry and good luck, there.