The Workday Scorecard

Once in a while, you can point to one event in your workday that makes it or breaks it – you totally kicked ass on a project? Awesome day!  Someone kicked your ass on a project? Hello evening of cheap boxed wine and chocolate!  As with life, the quality of your day is usually not determined by huge events, but by tallying up a bunch of little things.  After many, many years of being in the workforce, I’ve got the workday scorecard down to a science:

Picking up a Starbucks Skinny Cinnamon Dolce on the way in: +5
You spill the coffee on your white pants while driving: -5
…and it’s on the crotch: -5

School’s out, snowbirds are gone, the freeway is wide open: +10
A single broken-down Volkswagen Beetle on the side of the freeway causes a 5 mile long traffic jam: -10
…and then you receive an alert text stating a bunch of shit just broke at work: -20

You have a row of seats to yourself on the bus: +15
Standing room only, and the guy in the wife-beater next to you is covered in multiple open sores: -40
…and has shag carpet-level back hair. -5

Work from home today!: +40
Work from home forever.: -30 (ok, to be fair, it’s really -10 for each month you are deprived of human contact with a maximum cap of -30…)

Seeing the toilet seat up in the bathroom stall, because it means you’re the first to use it since it’s been cleaned: +5
Seeing unflushed carnage in the toilet with 900 soggy sheets of crumpled TP: -10

Free Bagels and honey nut cream cheese shmear!: +10
IT gets to them first. -10

There’s a puppy in the office!: +20
There are kittens in the office!: +15
There’s a baby in the office.: 0

There’s a bat in the office: -20
But the bat is on a different floor: +30

Listening to Dan Patrick on the radio: +10
Then Jim Rome or Colin Cowherd comes on: -10

Going to lunch and the newbie at Subway inadvertently gives you more than their mandated WWII-era ration of meat: +20
Going to lunch and the newbie at Subway inadvertently wipes his nose before grabbing your sandwich to cut it: -20

Having your lunch stolen: -20
Bringing in an irresistible-looking Ex-Lax Brownie as revenge.  And it gets stolen: +30

Having a bathroom completely to yourself so you don’t have to feel self-conscious about pooping: +10
When the prior person leaves in a stink, and everyone thinks you’re the one who ate napalm chili for lunch: -10

Political Junkie Wednesdays on Talk of the Nation: +20
Followed by an All Things Considered segment on native basket weaving on the island of Tobago: -5

Responding to a friendly “how you doin’” from a co-worker you pass in the hall: +5
When said co-worker responds with your own “how you doin’” with “it’s been pretty depressing, but no one died on me today, so I guess that’s a plus…”: -15 (yes, really.)

Clear-cut and reasonable dress code policies: +10
The endless battle between The Capri and Flip-Flop Rebel Alliance of Freedom and Human Resources: -5

When the most power-mongering, condescending person in the company rips a 5.5-Richter, Fire-in-the-Hole Fart in their bathroom stall: +30
(There really is no counter to that.  I was a witness of such an event at an old job, and it carried me to the end of the day. Because I’m 8.  And yes,  I do spend a considerable amount of time in the bathroom at work.)

Getting caught up on email: +20
Opening your email after being gone from your desk for five minutes to discover 10 emails of correspondence with the same subject line: -5
…and Ted Gatlin is one of the senders: -10

Do you have any items to add to the scorecard? Post them below!

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