How I rate and consume Thanksgiving foods:
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Even though I’ll be moving to one of the great foodie cities of the world, I’ve always considered the dining options in the Phoenix area to be vastly underrated. Not only can you find great Mexican food and steakhouses in the Valley of the Sun, there are endless restaurants featuring just about every cuisine you can imagine – from French to Ethiopian to Native American fusion, Phoenix has something for everyone. For those who don’t want to spend big bucks on the fancier restaurants in town, I’ve compiled a list of some of my favorite casual eateries in the Valley. I am going to miss these options once I leave – if you live in the Phoenix area or plan to visit some time soon, be sure to check these eateries out if you are looking for a good bite to eat and don’t want to break the bank!
Rancho de Tia Rosa
Type of food: Baja Mexican
Why I love it: Before we get to the food, let me tell you about the property. Dennis Sirrine, owner of Tia Rosa, was a general contractor by trade. He and his wife purchased the property Tia sits on, and designed and built the property himself. I love the design for not only its authentic Mexican flair, but the restaurant is brilliantly broken out into smaller sections so that you always feel like you are in an intimate space. My favorite location to eat, weather-permitting, is their back patio – with heat lamps and misters, comfortable booth seating and beautifully-kept gardens, it is a relaxing place to hang out and enjoy the company you are with.
Tia Rosa’s menu has your typical gringo foods for those who fear a little adventure, but their specialty is seafood. The only time I venture away from their seafood section is to have their delicious chicken mole. You’ll find that the majority of their food isn’t overly heavy, and in some cases, not all that fattening, if you are watching what you eat. They have an abundant selection of salads, soups, and many of their dishes won’t leave you feeling too guilty. This makes you feel a little better about chowing down on their chips and salsa or sipping one of the best house margaritas in town.
My Go-To Dish: I love their seafood tacos. I typically get a grilled shrimp taco, which comes with pineapple salsa, lettuce and cheese, and a grilled salmon taco, which comes with mango salsa, lettuce and cheese. Both are on soft, thin tacos and have a nice combination of savory and sweet. When you’re loading up on chips and margaritas, this is a main dish that won’t send you into a coma.
For More Info, visit: http://www.ranchodetiarosa.com/
Essence Bakery Cafe
The type of food: French and Greek-inspired breakfast and lunch fare
Why I Love it: Tucked away in a little strip mall just a couple of blocks away from ASU, this is my go-to place for the rare times I go out to lunch at work. Owner Eugenia Theodosopoulos is of Greek heritage and was trained at École Lenôtre in Paris. Her foods are never heavy, and a lot of care and attention has been put into every dish. Take, for example, her croissants. She brought in a famed pastry chef with the rare M.O.F. designation to consider the temperature, humidity, and other factors in Arizona and come up with the perfect croissant under these conditions. Biting into a chocolate-filled croissant at Essence is a little taste of heaven.
My Go-To Dish: While I love everything I’ve had on the menu – the Croque Madame, Croque Monsieur, a chicken salad sandwich with lemon and basil, spanakopita, there is one thing Essence is famous for in the valley: macarons. No, not those gross coconut blobs your Aunt Trudy forces on you every Christmas, these are French macarons – delicate, merinque-like cookies filled with icing or jams. Eugenia makes many wonderful pastries every day, yet when I’m in there, I cannot resist buying macarons. It’s like an addiction – any time you see a new flavor, you have to try it. So far, I can’t decide if my favorite is her espresso, hazelnut, lime, meyer lemon or raspberry rose macarons. Or her rum filled? Or the mint chocolate? See, they all are delicious, there’s no way to choose just one. For those of you who want to try these confections but won’t be in town any time soon? They Deliver!
For more info, visit: http://www.essencebakery.com/
Four Peaks Brewery
The type of food: Mirco-brews and barfare
Why I Love it: Over the years, some very good brewery-restaurants have popped up throughout Arizona – San Tan Brewery in Chandler, Oak Creek Brewery up in Sedona…but there is one that is the Godfather of Arizona Breweries, and that is Four Peaks. Four Peaks is the place you go to when you want to meet up with friends after work, have a couple of beers, and grab a bite of comfort food. Their fare is pretty standard for a pub – tasty burgers, pizza, and appetizers with the occasional dish incorporating one of their beers, but they shine with their famous brews. No Phoenix-area resident with a love of beer goes for long without Four Peaks’ Kiltlifter (a red Scottish ale) in their fridge. In addition to that, they have a wide selection of regular brews, from IPAs to Peach ale, to Hefeweizen and Oatmeal Stout to quench your palate. Their seasonal beers are also quite good, with their Pumpkin Porter being so in demand they can’t keep up with production around this time of year, and wait to offer it in growlers.
My Go-To Dish: When I’m at Four Peaks, I don’t want to go too fancy – I’m relaxing with friends, after all! I’ll just order a mushroom-swiss burger, and get a Snakebite to drink along with it. What is a Snakebite? An interesting combination of two of their beers – you’ll have to order it and find out!
For more info, visit: http://www.fourpeaks.com/
Gelato Dolce Vita
The type of food: Gelato, coffee, cannoli and now Italian deli fare at their East Mesa location
Why I Love it: If you consider gelato to be that junk you get at the gelato spot, you’re in for a pleasant surprise – Italian husband and American wife-team Walter and Marti bring these authentic Italian treats to you daily, and I guarantee if you close your eyes as you let that hazelnut gelato melt in your mouth or sip on that cup of cappuccino, you just might believe you’re in Florence. They rotate out flavors often, but every gelato made is of the highest quality and use fresh ingredients. I especially love the fresh, natural flavor of their fruit flavors. I also appreciate when they roll out something a little weird, like their chile chocolate gelato, or a gorgonzola gelato.
My Go-To Dish: As much as we love their gelato, I crave their cannoli, cappuccino, and drinking chocolate. If you are a chocolate lover and never had authentic drinking chocolate before, on a cold night, give them a visit, and if it’s available, be sure to give it a try.
For more info, visit: http://www.gelatodolcevita.com/
The type of food: fancy pizza, sandwiches and pasta
Why I Love it: When you live in east Mesa, there aren’t many dining options outside of the Applebees and Olive Gardens of the world. Thanks to Tia Rosa, Flancers, and Red, White & Brew, we at last have a few good alternatives.
Flancer’s is a nice small spot with a couple of televisions on ESPN and psychedelic concert posters adorning the walls. The service is always friendly and the food is unique and delicious. While their pasta is a bit of a weak point on the menu, their pizza and sandwiches are one-of-a-kind, using ingredients like prickly pear juice or green chiles to jazz up a simple dish. They offer a lot of options for sides, allowing you to incorporate healthier options, if you so choose.
My Go-To Dish: As much as I love their pizzas and calzones, sandwiches are where it’s at. My personal favorite is their Perfect Prickly Pear Chicken sandwich with green chile mayonnaise and a side of their crispy sweet potato fries. When I’m not in the mood for regular bread, I’ll get it on a whole wheat tortilla. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my husband’s favorite on the menu, their We Must Meat, I Ain’t Lion sandwich, consisting of filet mignon, caramelized onions, gorgonzola and chipotle mayo. It is a great combination of flavors and is sure to fill you up.
For more info, visit: http://www.flancers.com
Red White and Brew – located in East Mesa, this is a great place to take the family (i.e., a large group of picky eaters). In fact, it’s become our go-to place when we take out my in-laws and 10 year-old nephew. From pizza to burgers to great fish entrees (their pecan salmon is my favorite), there is something for everyone here. Don’t let the name fool you – while they have a respectable selection of wines and beer, the emphasis here is the food. Web site: http://www.rwbaz.com/
Cornish Pasty Co. – I prefer the Gilbert location to the scary, claustrophobic flagship Tempe hole-in-the wall (which is a nightmare for lunch on a workday, quite frankly). Bring your appetite, the calzone-like pasties are enormous and filled with potatoes, stuffing, meat, gravy, and just about everything you can think of. You’ll love every last bite, but they are sure to send you into a food coma. Be sure to check out their beer selection while you’re there, especially if you’re a fan of British imports. Web site: http://www.cornishpastyco.com/
Dilly’s Deli – One of my favorite lunch spots in town. Their bread for sandwiches is thick and perfectly toasted, they give you a ton of meat and toppings, and best of all, their bread bowl soups are out of this world. I’ve heard all the soups are delicious, but after all this time I still haven’t been willing to move beyond their potato soup. Web site: http://dillysdeli.com/
A quick apology for the delay in posting. Due to illness over the past several days (I was convinced it was Black Death, but it turns out it is just a bad sinus infection. Go figure), I’ve been somewhat incomprehensible and incredibly pathetic. Well, more so than normal. On both counts. I’m gradually getting back in the swing of things, so enjoy!
Since we started our international cooking club, I’ve learned there is a common thread that connects all good food around the world: the sense of family behind a dish. The most famous of dishes in any country’s cuisine were not created by chefs in palaces, but have their roots in the homes of the villagers. These families had to create calorie-rich food that could give everyone at the table enough sustenance to get through their physically-demanding duties. You have your Italian Ribollita, your French Boeuf Bourguignon, and your Mexican tamales. Pierogis began as a peasant food in Poland, but in my family as with many Polish families, pierogis are a special Christmas Eve dish. All of these foods are steeped in that tradition of family dining, and when we eat them, we call them “comfort foods,” because they give us that feeling of home and familiarity. They feel good for the soul when we eat them.
There is something about Southern cooking that makes it the King of Comfort Foods; from light breads to chicken fried steak to sweet potato pie, all of it makes you feel like you’re home and you can put your feet up and relax with family. Our cooking club is our family of friends, so what better way to celebrate food and friendship than with a feast of down-home Southern dishes?
The centerpiece of our feast was the fried chicken. I am normally not a big fan of fried foods, however this recipe was amazing. The breading wasn’t too thick, and it was fried perfectly – the texture was crisp but not dry and fried but not oily. Needless to say, there were very few leftovers by the end of the night.
The other big dish on the table was biscuits and gravy. My husband’s mother made this often for breakfast when he grew up, and I learned how to make it as well. It is a dish that is so caloric and fatty, it feels wrong eating it, but it is irresistible when made correctly. The gravy is really simple – you take a stick of butter, melt it over medium high heat, then add a pound of hot breakfast sausage. Once the sausage is fully cooked, add a cup of flower and stir it in until it is fully mixed in with the sausage. Add a half gallon of milk (don’t go lighter than 2%, or it won’t thicken properly), and bring to a boil while stirring constantly. Keep on stirring until it thickens, take the temperature down a little, salt and pepper to taste, and pour it over your biscuit of choice. Add an egg over easy into the equation and you’ll be in heaven. It’s that simple. This is also a great hangover food. Um, not that I would know of course…
To provide the proper companionship to these dishes, we had a number of sides. You cannot have fried chicken without mashed potatoes, so clearly, that was a necessary presence at the table. We also had amazing creamed corn. This recipe calls for a generous amount of parmesan cheese in the dish, which makes it oh-so cheesy and good. My friend Celeste expressed concern that she may have added too much cheese. We looked at her as if she were mad; you can never have too many friends, too much joy, or too much cheese. These are impossible things. The creamed corn was so good, it was the only dish where there was literally not a bite left over by the end of the night. We also enjoyed the corn bread I put on the table, which admittedly was a little neglected as we devoured all the other foods.
For dessert, I made a chocolate chess pie. I will admit, this was a slight cheat; the ingredients for regular chess pie looked a little odd to me, so I went with the chocolate recipe, because chocolate generally makes everything taste better. As you can guess, I’ve never had a chess pie before, but I thought it was pretty good. It has the texture of a slightly undercooked brownie. If that’s your thing (and it is kind of my thing), this would be a simple and tasty pie for you to try out.
For fun, we had a few cocktails with a little southern inspiration: Watermelon pulp with sprite and vodka was a refreshing summer treat, and we tried mixing a few things with Southern Comfort. Depending on how the portions worked (that is to say, if you could taste the Southern Comfort at all), the cocktails made your arm hairs stand at attention.
Due to the Labor Day holiday, we are skipping September, and will reconvene in October for…you guessed it – Oktoberfest! I am expecting a full spectrum of German Bier to be on the menu. Oh, and food too. See you then!
(Except for corn because…mmm…corn…)
Sometimes, I don’t want a side of chips. Most of the time, I could also pass on the creamy potato or pasta salads. Almost always I could really go for a fruit side; but whenever I see a fruit as an option? I pass. Do you care to guess why? Because in deli lingo, “Fruit Side” is shorthand for “THERE IS A ZOMBIE MELON APOCALYPSE GOING ON IN MY FRUIT BOWL, AND ALL THE FRUITS AND BERRIES I LOVE ARE RUINED FOREVER.” One honeydew. That’s all it takes. It spreads that god-awful, wretch-worthy flavor to everything, contaminating even the most robust of fruit flavors. Oh, they still look like strawberries and pineapple slices – that’s how it gets you. You think, maybe this time. The strawberry was on the top of the bowl and the honeydew was on the bottom. There was a layer of cantaloupe and watermelon between. Surely…Then you take a bite, and all you can taste is that stinky, tangy, I-stomped-on-an-unripe-cantaloupe-with-a-sweaty-foot flavor that robbed your poor strawberry of its essence. It’s the most undignified way for a piece of fruit to meet its end.
There is no fruit in the world I hate more than you, honeydew. If you were a person, I’d tie your shoelaces together and kick you down the stairs. Except you’d make the entire building stink. Screw you, honeydew.
I was first introduced to quinoa when someone told me that it was super-healthy, being loaded with fiber and protein and was basically a vegan’s dream. Being one to look for healthy alternatives to meat for protein, I decided to give this trendy little dish a try. Looking like it was farmed on Mars during the Total Recall era, I was a little fearful upon taking the first bite. Keeping an open mind, I pushed negative thoughts out of my mind as I ate. I tried. I tried really hard to like this new thing, but all I could think was, “I am eating a bowl of those silicon packets they stick in electronics.” You know, the ones they tell you aren’t food? Which by the way, may be a sign we are really freaking stupid as a society – who the hell opens the box to their receiver, sees a silicon packet and thinks – “Hey, free food – BONUS! I was just thinking I wanted to nom on some silicon pellets…”
For those of you who do want to nom on silicon, know you can safely satisfy that craving with Quinoa. No matter what you try to do to it, it blands up the place. It’s they anti-honeydew in that respect. Where honeydew forces its flavor on everything it comes in contact with, quinoa takes the flavor away. I tried a southwest salad with quinoa, black beans, corn, and some other stuff, and despite my love for all of the other ingredients, the quinoa robbed the dish of its flavor.
Also? For the record, it’s barely better than brown rice in terms of fiber and protein, which tastes far better as an accompaniment. Also? There are really yummy alternatives for protein in the vegan world – like gazpacho beans. Don’t torture yourself with this horrible stuff if you don’t have to.
I am nothing if not a lazy eater of food. I have been known to turn down an orange because “it’s too much work for too little reward.” As you can imagine, I generally don’t like foods where you spend inordinate amounts of time removing a pit or a shell. On top of this, I also am grossed out by any food that involves spitting. Finally, I hate foods that make a mess that no one seems to care about. I can trace this particular issue to a traumatic episode from my childhood where I slipped on peanut shells at the Ground Round during a birthday party, falling on my ass and exposing my Strawberry Shortcake underwear for all to see.
Sunflower seeds contain all the things I generally hate about food – you crack open that tiny little shell, only to find a tinier little seed of food with little flavor. Many people stick the entire thing in their mouth to crack the shell, and spit it out. Over and over, like a cartoon character, spitting out watermelon seeds like a machine gun. Blech (And for the record, I also hate watermelon). What then gets me, is how many people don’t toss the shells in the garbage. When I had my god-awful job at a tux rental place, I would find random sunflower seeds everywhere as I cleaned every night. Who does this?? Why is this acceptable?
Cantonese for “let’s rip people off by shoving tasteless filler in their General Tso,” bok choy is known to ruin any good Chinese meal when it is used excessively. Here in Phoenix Metro, we are lacking in good Chinese restaurants (the biggest exception being the excellent Golden Buddha at the Chinese Cultural Center in Phoenix), and I say this because 90% of the Chinese restaurants in a 15 mile radius of my house either use a 1:1 ratio of meat to bok choy, or have given me food poisoning. That’s not a good statistic.
Bok choy also has toxic effects – did you know that? It can make you nauseous and dizzy if you have too much of it. But why would you? Hurrff.
Raisins are basically the Adam Levine of food: they would be fine if they only appeared in a few select baked goods, but they pop up just about everywhere and make their unique texture and flavor seem tired and overdone. Too much. Cookies. Yeast breads. Quick breads. Cinnamon rolls. Stereo Hearts. Oatmeal. Cereals. And on the subject of cereals, the only cereal as a kid that could hold a candle to the disappointment of Frosted Mini-Wheats was Raisin Bran. Because there is nothing like soppy bran flakes with a bad milk-life mixed with stale, mummified grapes.
Another bad thing about raisins? They cause renal failure in dogs. What’s worse about this fact? They have no idea what in grapes/raisins causes this. A little too mysterious, if you ask me.
Growing up in Stamford, Connecticut, I equated the question “do you want Mexican?” with “do you want to go to Chi-Chi’s?” Thankfully, after living in the southwest for roughly half my life, I’ve developed a bit more knowledge and appreciation for Mexican cuisine since then. I’m not about to eat menudo or calf’s brains or anything crazy like that, but I at least appreciate a number of dishes and the diverse flavors of Mexican cuisine. For this month’s Le Nom, we decided to explore a few different dishes in Mexican cuisine, and as always, the results were amazing.
For starters, we enjoyed two kinds of homemade salsa – red and tomatillo (example). Tomatillos are a staple in Mexican cuisine, being the primary ingredient in many green sauces. A member of the tomato family, tomatillos are generally tart in flavor and can provide a bit of a citrus flavor to dishes. Many tomatillo salsas call for a little bit of sugar to be added to offset the tartness. We enjoyed both salsas with chips and Tecate Light with lime – always a great selection with chips and salsa!
We had two main dishes to enjoy, the first being machaca (example). A dish popular in the southwestern U.S. and northern Mexico, machaca is a spicy dish consisting of shredded beef or pork. Interestingly, even here in Arizona the style of cooking varies by region – in the Tucson area, machaca tends to be dry, yet in the Phoenix area, it has a bit of a soupy consistency. The Tucson style is more similar to the Mexican style, however the Phoenix style is enjoyable for letting your flour tortilla sop up all of the the spicy liquid that comes with the dish.
Our other dish was my contribution for the night – chicken mole. This is a dish that is popular all over Mexico, being most popular in Oaxaca. This wonderful dish is loaded with flavor, typically averaging over 20 ingredients in a given recipe (the recipe I used only has 15 ingredients). There are a variety of flavors all working together in mole – you have the spiciness of chili powder and a chipotle chile in adobo sauce (recipe note: note that the recipe says ONE chile from the can, not the entire can; I think you could safely go with two for a little extra kick, however). There is also the unique spiciness of cumin, nutmeg, coriander and cinnamon contrasting with the earthiness of toasted sesame seeds and the richness of cocoa powder and peanut butter (the recipe called for 3 TB of cocoa powder – next time I’m adding an additional TB). If you have never had mole before, this combination of ingredients may sound a little off-putting – I mean, chocolate and chicken? But I assure you, the results are amazing and like nothing you have ever tried. I even left the raisins in, and I hate raisins. This recipe in particular is super-easy to do – you simply put all the ingredients in your slow cooker, and let it cook for 5 hours.
Both of the main dishes are perfect for rolling up in tortillas. Our Tucson friends brought up some of the best fresh tortillas in Arizona from Anita’s Street Market.
For our side, our Tucson friends also made homemade refried beans. (example). Normally, the beans can take hours to prepare, but thanks to their pressure cooker, they were able to reduce the cooking time significantly.
After loading up on our main dishes, we enjoyed brownies with chipotle chile (example). The dish contained a number of flavors common in Mexican food – as you can see from the mole, the combination of chocolate, cinnamon and chile is rather popular. While it may sound odd to have chiles in your brownies, they do not make the brownies spicy; on the contrary, the chiles enhance the richness of the chocolate, giving the brownies a dark chocolate, fudgy flavor. The hint of cinnamon balances everything out perfectly. I also really loved these brownies because they are “proper” brownies – all too often, people either make them too fudgy or too cakey. These were the perfect texture, so mad props to Rachael for baking them!
For our final dish of the night, we were blessed with the Latin American treat of Tres Leches Cake, made by our birthday girl of the evening, Angela. Angela took the recipe from the wonderful Pioneer Woman web site (which you may remember, is where I got my pots de creme recipe last month) and made a few minor adjustments to the cake. Her advice is as follows: “The yolks and sugar need to be beaten to look pale white, but also to the point that you can see the nascent batter trace on top of itself. The recipe doesn’t tell you that, but my hubby did. I inadvertently beat the egg whites a bit beyond ‘soft peaks,’ but it wasn’t the worst thing. I baked the cake, removed the cake to cool overnight in the refrigerator with a cotton gauze tea towel atop it, and returned it to the pan for easy transport. I added all of the three milks liquid, only realizing later that some sweetened condensed milk was still in its can. Finally, I did not use Maraschino cherries, as I don’t really like them.”
The cake was really phenomenal – it was spongey and the sauce was delighfuly gooey, however it wasn’t too much so (which I’ve ran into with other Tres Leches Cakes, and ew to a soggy cake). The topping was whipped cream, and even though we were all full, we basically devoured the entire sheet.
After all was said and done, I witnessed something I’ve never seen before at a Le Nom: every single person was sprawled out in our family room in a semi-coma watching Scooby Doo with the kids. On the floor, on the couch – every one was stretched out, fat and happy. That’s the only way to end an evening of Mexican food!
We are skipping Le Nom for July due to a number of conflicts regarding the 4th, however we are considering doing a Southern-style picnic on Mount Lemmon for August. For those of you not in Arizona, Mount Lemmon is perhaps the coolest place you can find in southern Arizona (and houses the southern-most ski resort in the country). As we hit temperatures of over 110, cooler weather in the pine trees sounds pretty amazing.
Until then? Don’t be afraid to be adventurous and daring in your kitchens! When all else fails, there is pizza, so why not try something new this weekend?
Due to a few scheduling conflicts, we had a smaller group for this dinner party. To make sure we continued with the tradition of having more food than anyone can possibly eat, I decided to contribute not one, but three dishes to ensure we had a little bit of everything.
My initial plan was to make garlic aioli for us to dip bread in. I found a recipe on food.com, which called for a fruity olive oil. This was the perfect opportunity to use the Queen Creek Olive Mill Meyer Lemon Olive Oil. Queen Creek Olive Mill is the only company in Arizona to make their own EVOO, and offer a number of unique flavors – Mexican Lime, Roasted Garlic, and Chocolate are but a few. They practice sustainable farming and have a great reputation around the valley. I’ve been dying to try them out. Unfortunately, I either completely screwed up the recipe for the aioli, or it was a bad recipe to begin with. When I made it, I expressed my concerns over the result on Facebook. My chef friend Brian asked me what the problem was. The conversation went something like this:
Me: “What should the texture of aioli be?”
Me: “Yeah…it’s like soup.”
Brian: “What was the proportion of egg to oil?
Me: “One Egg, 1.5 cups olive oil.”
Brian: “A whole egg?”
Brian: “That’s the problem. Here’s what you do…”
He gave me excellent instructions on attempting to revive my soupy aioli. Unfortunately, it didn’t really work, and I decided to give it a little taste to see if it was even worth saving. Between the high amount of olive oil and the lemon juice the recipe called for, the mixture tasted like oily lemon, and not in a good way. The olive oil was an amazing olive oil (I got a second bottle for non-aioli purposes), however this recipe just didn’t work at all. I’ve decided to have Brian or gourmand-friend Steven show me how to make aioli someday. I’m pretty sure the majority of this fail is on me. I’m a visual learner, and I think I need to see someone make it.
Why am I telling you about the dish that failed? Because I want you to know that it’s okay to screw up a dish. It was a pricey screw up, but the only way to reach new horizons with cooking or anything in life, is to take a risk, be willing to see it blow up in your face, learn from it, and move on. So? I moved on.
The next recipe I tackled was pots de crème. I have always wanted to make pots de crème, which is basically a sexy, naughty version of custard or pudding. I found a great recipe on The Pioneer Woman’s web site – it’s not a traditional way of making pots de crème as there is no baking involved, but this recipe is super-easy, can be made ahead and is a silky chocolatey treat. I particularly appreciate how she explains she made a mistake with the temperature of the eggs and coffee, because I probably would have done the same thing had she not mentioned it. I had some Godiva liqueur on hand, so per her suggestion, I replaced the vanilla extract with the liqueur. I also added white chocolate Godiva liqueur to the whipped cream – I need to practice this more. I used to be really good at boozy whipped cream, but lately I’ve been adding in the liqueur too early, and it’s not thickening as much as it needs to.
Pairing suggestion: You could go with an alcohol pairing, like Raspberry Lambic, or banyuls, but I think just a good old-fashioned cup of coffee works here. It is so rich, you need the bitterness of a cup of coffee to balance it out.
The next thing to tackle was Cauliflower Gratin. Why did I choose this dish? Well, for one thing, I wanted to have a vegetable on the table. Second, it has all the ingredients that make French food delicious – cream, butter and cheese. Magical things happen when these three ingredients come together. This is also a simple recipe, and I think it came out perfectly. I’ll be making it again on Memorial Day weekend for friends who missed this month’s Le Nom.
Pairing suggestion: Since this is a side, you’ll want to pair to your main dish, but if you decide to have a mountain of Cauliflower Gratin for dinner – and there’s nothing wrong with that – an unoaked Chardonnay would be a tasty choice. I think a mildly sweet Riesling might work too.
So, the house was clean, the table was set, the gratin was in the oven and people were soon to arrive. I needed a replacement for my Aioli Fail, so I decided to wing it. I had a ton of Gruyère left over, so I decided to basically take an Alfredo recipe, replace the Parmesan with Gruyère, omit the garlic, and at the suggestion of Steven, add white pepper and nutmeg for seasoning. While it didn’t thicken very well initially (as it cooled, it was much thicker), it was cheesy goodness that was devoured by all. Was it a “French” dish? I’m not totally sure - Gruyère is from Switzerland, but it’s used in many French dishes – quiche, croque-monsieur, french onion soup… I’ll give myself a pass.
Pairing suggestion: again, an unoaked chardonnay or a Riesling would work. A Brut champagne would be pretty yummy too. One of the Le Nommers brought a Sauv Blanc that worked nicely.
While we were enjoying the cheese sauce, another Le Nom member showed up, explaining their own challenge with the dish they were going to bring – a peach crème brûlée for dessert. Apparently, video games and baking do not go well when done simultaneously! Not a problem for us – again, we always have more than enough food, and we had an emergency dessert waiting in the wings.
After enjoying our bread and cheese sauce, it was time for the main meal – inside a beautiful Le Cresuset oval French oven, Steven and Jennie brought with them the dish of all dishes, Juila Child’s Boeuf Bourguignon. Because I’m a little nerdy, I was excited to try this particular recipe because I loved the movie Julie & Julia, and the boeuf bourguignon was a critical plot point in the movie. It also looked really yummy on film.
Served atop egg noodles, this dish is a mix of elegance and comfort food. It is a labor of love – taking all day to make, as several of the ingredients must be prepared in advance prior to adding them into the stew. From the Burgundy region, boeuf bourguignon was originally a food for peasants, but today it tends to reside in the world of haute cuisine.
Suggested Wine Pairing: We enjoyed pinot noir with the dish, however a nice Syrah or Cabernet would also go well here.
All of the food was delicious, and we actually had the perfect amount of food for six people. My only regret was not saving a bit of the boeuf for myself for the next day. What was I thinking?
Next month, we are heading back to this continent to tackle Mexican cuisine. There are so many regions to choose from, and so many different dishes that can be made – carnitas, flan, enchiladas, mole sauce, ceviche…yum. I can’t wait to see what everyone brings!
Arizona Restaurant Week Spring 2012 is almost upon us! As you know from my previous post on the matter, I am a huge fan of restaurant week. Spring doesn’t have the same level of participation as the fall restaurant week, but there are still many excellent options to choose from.
If you are new to Restaurant Week, I’ll give you the 411: for one extended week in the spring and one extended week in the fall, some of Arizona’s best restaurants put together three-course price fixed menus ranging from $20-$40 per person, depending on the restaurant. This is a way for them to show off their chefs’ mad skills and staff’s great service, and it is a great way for you to enjoy some of the finest restaurants in the Valley without breaking the bank!
Of course, not all restaurants are created equal; if you’ve been to a few restaurant weeks, you’ll find a few places present rather uninspired menus. And of course, not everyone is a four-diamond restaurant – sometimes, you encounter service that can be a little disappointing for what you are paying. But fear not! I looked over the list of participants and menus for next week’s ARW, and have compiled a list of five places where I don’t think you’ll go wrong. I’ve been to all of these restaurants, and where noted, I’ll give you my personal recommendations. If you try any of them, please come back and comment – I really want to hear what you think!
1. Different Pointe of View ($40 per person)
Notes: if you can only go to one place in the valley next week, go here. This is a fabulous place to go on a date – their terrace has an incredible view of the valley at sunset, and you feel like you’re in a little desert getaway above the city. I’ve actually seen wildlife hanging out near the terrace while eating my dinner. The service is impeccable, and their sommelier may be the best in the Valley. On to the menu [my notes are in brackets]:
- Choice Of -
Lobster Bisque [You want this one.]
Avocado & Shrimp Salad
Crispy Seared Pork Bellies
- Choice Of -
Pan Seared Halibut
Chef’s Daily Risotto feature [My recommendation - they make a great risotto here]
- Choice Of -
Any dessert off our menu [this is a really cool thing for them to offer - most places offer a fairly simple, arguably boring dessert course for ARW, and they have a great pastry chef here.]
2. noca ($30 per person)
Noca is one of those places Open Table would say is “Fit for Foodies.” The location is in a strip mall, and the interior is more “bustling chic” (is that even a thing?) than romantic, but man oh man, is their food good. If you are given the option of doing a wine pairing with your meals, I recommend it – the last time I did pairing recommendations here, they were spot on with every dish. I really liked their menu options for ARW, because: 1) You’re getting three great courses for $30, 2) The menu selections are unique and 3) They give you a bunch of extra deals if you want to add to your 3-course meal.
- Choice Of -
Rock Shrimp, Avocado, Olive Oil
Fava Bean Hummus, Pita Croutons, Cherry Tomatoes, Feta, Honey Tarragon Dressing
“Bacon & Egg”
Benton’s Bacon, Farm Egg, Stitt’s Grits, Red Pepper Sauce
Supplemental First Courses for the Table:
Spring Vegetable Succotash, Grilled Scallion Pesto
Lou’s Balls $12
Pork & Beef Meatballs, Crispy Rice Cake, Creole Tomato Sauce
- Choice Of -
Four Peaks Oatmeal Stout Braised Beef Shortribs, Fontina Crema, Breadcrumbs [Shoutout to using a local brew to braise the beef!]
Anson Mills Rice Grit Risotto
English Peas, Mascarpone, Spring Onions, Grapefruit, Tarragon [This is what I’d get - it sounds kind of like something a mad scientist chef would come up with]
Corn & Okra Macque Choux, Carrot Top Pesto [I recently had hake for the first time at Red, White and Brew of all places, and really loved the flavor of it]
Braised Berkshire Pork
Butterbean Casserole, Trinity, Natural Jus
Bone – In Ribeye ($18 supplement) $38
Vidalia Onion Fondue, Baby Carrots, Red Wine Jus
Sides for the Table ( $7 )
Creamed Calabrian Corn
Asparagus – Truffle Hollandaise
Mac & Cheese Fondue [I have no idea what this is, but I’m on it.]
- Choice Of -
Flavors of Sacher
Milk & Dark Chocolate, Raspberry, Apricot
Sesame Shortbread, Mascarpone Sorbet, Farmer Mint
3 Course Menu $30
4 Course Menu: add pasta or risotto as 2nd Course – $40
On Sunday May 20th, Monday May 21st, & Sunday May 27, when ordering the 4 Course Menu option, a glass of champagne will be included with the meal. [Consider this bullet point when making a reservation, my friends.]
3. Eddie’s House $30
This is one of the friendliest restaurants in Old Town – just outside of the main drag, you walk into Eddie’s House, and everything feels cozy even though it is really loud and happening. The food is great, but I do have two “warnings” about Eddie’s – one of the times I went, my super-friendly server was really, really confused with drink orders and was a little slow in bringing us our cocktails. That said, they have a fantastic cocktail menu – I’m a fan of their champagne cocktails. My other reservation is in regards to their desserts, and this is just a personal preference of mine: although unique, none of their desserts seemed to really fit their definition. For example, their pot de creme was not a pot de creme at all. The selections below seem to be a bit more mainstream, so for ARW, this may be fine.
- Choice Of -
Ahi Tuna Tartar Nacho, Arizona Corn & Cilantro
Mediterranean Quesadilla, Grilled Steak, Charred Peppers & Onions, Harissa Sour Cream
Mini Sonoran Chicken Cobb Salad, Corn, Bacon, Garlic Confite, Fried Egg, Avocado
- Choice Of -
What’s With the Braised Beef Short Rib? [I think their beef dishes are their best offerings - this is probably very good]
Pan Seared Corvina Bass, Black Bean Pineapple Risotto, topped with Fire Roasted Tomatillo Shrimp
“Down Home Dinner” Grilled Honey-Spiced Drumsticks, with a skillet of Prosciutto Mac ‘n” Cheese [I recommend this - their Prosciutto Mac n Cheese is pretty awesome]
- Choice Of -
Tres Leche Cake with Peach Carmel Glaze
Peanut Butter Cheesecake, Oreo Crust
Warm Peach Cobbler a la Mode
4. The Greene House ($40 per person)
It’s been a while since I’ve been up to The Greene House, but their food is great. Located in Kierland Commons, it’s a loud and happening place, but again, the food is excellent, and the cocktails are pretty amazing. I really liked the look of their ARW menu – lots of options, and it’s unlike most of the other selections I saw on other menus:
- Choice Of -
Chicken Tortilla Soup- Avocado, Pico de Gallo, Queso Blanco
Arugula Salad- Pickled Peppers, Olives, Local Tomatoes & Manchego
CheeseHerb Hummus- Grilled Flatbread, Tomato, Onion & Feta
The Greene House Salad- Green Vegetables, Arugula, Green Goddess Dressing, Pistachios, Parmesan
Tempura Calamari- Seasonal Vegetables, Red Chili Shoyu
- Choice Of -
Bacon Wrapped Pork Tenderloin- Horseradish Potato, Mushrooms & Asparagus
Crispy Half Chicken- Creamed Corn, Green Beans & Tomato Jam
Sea Scallops- Caramelized Cauliflower, Snap Peas & Bacon [This is my recommendation: I am very particular about sea scallops. Every time I’ve ordered them here, they are excellent - they have that buttery melt-in-your mouth flavor and texture that few places can get right]
Atlantic Salmon- Beets, Fingerling Potatoes, Horseradish Vinaigrette & Sherry Jus
Filet of Beef- Stir Fry Vegetables, Togarashi Spiced Fingerlings, Miso Butter
- Choice Of -
Spike’s Chocolate Bars of Sin
Pineapple Rum Cake Vanilla Bean Gelato [Yes, please]
Ever Changing Sorbet
Warm Cinnamon & Sugar Donut Vanilla Bean Custard
5. Cowboy Ciao ($30 per person)
Great service, great menu, an extensive wine list thanks to their sister restaurant/wine bar Kazimierz, which is located just around the corner. I chose this one because the dishes sounded really exciting, and the menu is only $30 per person. You can’t beat that for what you are getting.
- Choice Of -
Grilled Black Tiger Shrimp
Stetson Chopped Salad
- Choice Of -
Duck Confit Enchiladas
Exotic Mushroom Pan Fry [even though I would choose the enchiladas, if this is your first time at Cowboy Ciao and you can live without meat in your main dish, I highly recommend this staple dish of theirs]
Grilled Scallops & Squash
Wild Boar Meatballs
- Choice Of -
Cowboy Ciao Original 1997 Bread Pudding
NV Martinez tawny port or ’02 Meroi picolit, Friuli, Italy [love that they offer a port as a dessert option...]
I have a couple of honorable mentions: the following restaurants are not included on my list because you need to experience them in a non price-fixed setting:
Roka Akor, Binkley’s, Tapas Papa Frita, Ocean Prime
I absolutely love these four restaurants, but for three of them, you need to experience their full menu and presentation. In the case of Ocean Prime, it’s not their presentation that leaves them off the main list, it’s that you must try things on the menu they don’t offer on their ARW menu – crab legs from the raw bar, their NY Strip and their Sea Bass are some of the best-prepared dishes I’ve had in the valley.
There are two restaurants I love but didn’t include because they don’t have a menu posted on the ARW site. I am pretty certain whatever they offer is going to be great, and will likely in the $40 range. Similar to the above restaurants, it’s worth it to splurge and check them out on a non-ARW week. They both have Chef’s Tasting menus that are the bees knees:
Are there any restaurants you are looking forward to? Have you tried any restaurants you’d like to report on? Please comment below!
Arizona Restaurant Week runs from May 19th through May 27th. Please visit the official web site at http://arizonarestaurantweek.com/ for a full listing of participating restaurants, menus and information on reservations.
After our successful Italian Dinner Party, we decided to go to the other side of the globe and try our hand at Polynesian cuisine. Polynesia is a series of islands in the South Pacific that include Hawaii, Samoa, Tahiti, and all of those beachy places they use on Survivor. It’s a beautiful part of the world: lush, green landscapes, waterfalls, coral reefs and delicious warm-water seafood like mahi mahi, opakapaka, and tuna. Even though we are land-locked in a desert, we did our best to imagine a cool, saltwater breeze and recreate a few foods inspired by the Polynesian islands. Polynesian culture celebrates with food, Le Nom celebrates food, so it sounded like a perfect match!
One of the most authentic dishes of the night was panipopo, a Samoan bread that has a sweet coconut milk glaze on the bottom. While bread was introduced later to Samoan culture, coconut milk has always been a common ingredient in Samoan cuisine. Other common ingredients in Samoan cuisine are not surprising – taro, breadfuit, bananas, fish, chicken and pork are all common staples.
Due to the remote nature of the islands, many foods have been around for only the past couple of centuries. Beef, for example, was not introduced to the Hawaiian islands until the end of the 18th century. Pineapple, a fruit often associated with Hawaii was not cultivated until the early 19th century. Both pineapple and sugarcane plantations became big business for Hawaii, to the point the plantations had to bring in immigrant workers. The immigrant workers, many coming from China, Japan, and Korea, brought their cuisine over with them, and soon the foods incorporated into Hawaiian cuisine. Another dish we had, Polynesian Meatballs, is a great example of a Hawaiian-inspired dish that incorporates these “newer” elements. This sweet and savory appetizer has tender meatballs paired with a pineapple and soy sauce that is absolutely delicious.
Also sporting Chinese influence, we enjoyed Pork Spring Rolls (the recipe states they were baked but our Le Nommer decided to fry them) with duck sauce or sweet and sour for dipping.
If you look at a map of the world, you’ll see that the Hawaiian islands are very isolated. In fact, Hawaii is considered the most remote island chain in the world. Because of this isolation, there were few edible plants and the only mammals were bats on the island when the first Polynesian settlers arrived around 300-500 AD. Fortunately, the settlers were smart enough to bring a bunch of plants and food with them and those plants thrived in Hawaii’s rich soil. For animals, they brought pigs with them to use for religious sacrifice (which resulted in eating the pig). Today, eating Kalua pork is almost a religious experience, it is so delicious. The word “Kalua” means “to cook in an underground oven.” This is the method for cooking you typically see at luaus – they dig a large pit, fill it with koa wood, then place rocks over the wood to retain the heat. The pig is salted and stuffed with hot rocks, wrapped with banana leaves, then buried in the hot pit to cook for several hours.
No one at Le Nom was interested in digging a pit in their backyard, but I did find a fantastic recipe that gives you a similar flavor and consistency. The Kalua pork I made for the dinner party is insanely easy, although it takes a while to cook (at least 16 hours on low in the slow cooker). It was worth the wait – when the time came to shred and serve the meat, the bone in the pork came off cleanly and easily, leaving behind tender, smoky meat you can eat by itself, in tortillas, or in Hawaiian sweet bread sandwiches.
Our final dish of the night was a simple but delicious dessert that incorporated both Polynesian and Chinese ingredients. The Fried Bananas were a great way to end the meal. Topped with whipped cream and/or honey, they were very tasty and a huge hit!
Once again, Le Nom success! Every dish was great, and thanks to me being hostess for this month, I had some awesome leftovers for the week.
What’s on the menu for next month? I’ll give you a hint: think Julie and Julia. My mouth is watering already!
One month after an inaugural meeting filled with friends, appetizers, wine, and …shots?? (how’d that happen??), we had our first official club dinner party. I named the club “Le Nom,” not to be properly translated as “The Name,” but to be in the vein of “nomnomnomnom.” As you can tell from my blog titles, I’m not good with names. It’s short, and that’s good enough for me. Our tagline is “Voulez-vous manger avec moi? Ce soir?” My husband thought that translated as “will you sleep with my food?” He knows 900 computer languages, but when it comes to the non-geek ones… I love him.
This month was Italian Night, hosted by my stylish friend Kirsten. Where I normally throw down a plastic tablecloth and put out a bunch of mismatched Solo cups left over from previous parties, she does things like this (yes, that’s a printed menu in each glass):
So yeah, she’s pretty good at this stuff.
The rules for Le Nom are simple: In our first meeting, we agreed to meet the first Saturday of each month, and discussed what international (or regional) cuisines we wanted to have as future themes. Once a theme is determined for the month, the person who volunteers to host the event cooks the main dish, and everyone else is responsible for making the appetizers, sides, and dessert(s). We haven’t quite figured out coordinating the courses, but were able to get all aspects of the meal in for Italian Night.
My personal hope for the club was to get together with my foodie friends to enjoy their good company, eat their food, and challenge myself in the culinary arena by making dishes I’ve never made before. The night did not disappoint!
Listed below is a breakdown of what we ate, recipes (where provided), a little background on each dish, and a suggested wine pairing, should you decide to try it out for yourself. I apologize for the lack of photos – I completely forgot to take pictures of everyone’s food, either due to excitement or too much Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio. I’ll leave it to you to guess which was more likely.
Caprese (translated as “in the style of Capri”) is a delicious and light dish that gained popularity in the Campania region of Italy in the 1950s. Fresh mozzerella (preferably buffalo moazzarella), tomato and basil on a stick – this is a fantastic hors-d’oeuvre for a party. It’s colorful, delicious, finger-friendly, and doesn’t require any cooking. When topped with olive oil and balsamic, they are to die for. I could have had 10 of them.
Suggested Wine Pairing: Chianti or Sangiovese
Another great hors-d’oeuvre for a party. Italians love their wild mushrooms – among the most coveted are porcini and of course, tartufi (truffles). Here’s a cooking tip – never store your mushrooms in plastic – it will make them mushy. Instead, store them in a paper bag, and refrigerate them for no longer than 2-3 days.
Suggested Wine Pairing: any non-oaked Chardonnay
This was my contribution to the theme. I had this soup for the first time when I visited Florence, and loved all of the different flavors in the soup as well as its heartiness. Ribollita began as a peasant dish to reuse existing soup, vegetables and older bread. I used Giada de Laurentiis’ recipe, which is not only tasty, but takes out a lot of prep time by using a few canned and frozen items. The soup was so pretty, I took a number of pictures as I cooked it, as you can see here. I love how it has the colors of Italy – red tomatoes, green spinach and white beans. The recipe also calls for Herbes de Provence, which smells wonderful as it cooks. I think it turned out pretty good – so much so, I made another batch the next day!
Suggested Wine Pairing: Sangiovese or Chianti.
Let me tell you about my friend Steven: he covets his Bon Appetit the way some people covet vintage Playboy magazines (or, I guess, National Geographics, but that just doesn’t seem as appropriate). He is passionate about all things culinary. He makes his own bacon, for God’s sake. He is exactly the kind of person who was born for this sort of event. He brought two things to the party, the first being his amazing bruschetta. The flavor of the topping was so rich and fresh, I could have dove into a pool of it and eaten my way out. Instead of putting it in a pool for me to dive into, he put it atop lightly toasted slices of bread, and topped each piece with some cheese, broiling it just enough for the cheese to melt. Fantastic. As far as the history of the dish goes, bruschetta has origins back to the 15th century, and existed as a way to use bread that was going stale. It comes from the verb “bruscare,” which is translated as “to roast over coals.”
Suggested Wine Pairing: Once again, Sangiovese and Chianti are great, although if you want to go with a white, a Sauvignon Blanc would pair well.
Handmade Pasta and Meatballs
This was Steven’s other amazing creation – he made fresh fettuccine (or tagliatelle, I’m not sure what the difference is). I love fresh pasta – it’s so delicate and soft. The meatballs were full of flavor and moist. This made me feel bad for not using my pasta roller yet, even though I’ve had it for over 2 years.
Suggested Wine Pairing: Barbera d’Alba, Zinfandel (real Zin, not that fakey white Zin)
This style of Ragu was more in the style of the Campania region – lots of sauce, and large chunks of meat. Ragu is believed to originate from the French ragout, which appeared after Napoleon’s invasion in Italy. Where Bruschetta and Ribollita were peasant dishes, Ragu was a dish for nobility. We were lucky enough to get the leftovers for this, and enjoyed them for dinner the next two nights! Needless to say, this reheats well.
Suggested Wine Pairing: Same as above.
Marsala is a fortified wine (like Sherry or Port) from Sicily that dates back to the late 1700s. It can be drank as an accompaniment, of course, but it is also used as an ingredient in a number of dishes, such as Chicken Marsala, some risotto, and tiramisu. This was Kirsten’s dish, and she did an amazing job of making this dish for 16 people – the fillets were perfectly browned, and the sauce turned out great!
Suggested Wine Pairing: Pinot Noir
Chocolate Hazelnut Gelato
Anything Nutella-ish is A+ in my book! Gelato is essentially an Italian ice cream, however there are a few key differences from regular ice cream – there is significantly less butterfat, and it is typically stored at a slightly higher temperature to remain nice and soft. It is believed the chef for the Medici’s in the 16th century created what we know as modern-day gelato.
There are a lot of gelato places in the U.S. that aren’t that great – I’d recommend avoiding large chains if you want to try it. If you are in the Phoenix Metro, my favorite is Gelato Dolce Vita. They also make a mean drinking chocolate and cappuccino. Check them out!
Suggested Wine Pairing: I’m not big on pairing wine with this kind of dish, but a Port or sweet Sherry (such as a PX) would be nice.
There is debate whether Tiramisu (Italian for “pick-me-up,” likely for the caffeine in the dessert) originated in Sienna or Treviso. Regardless of where it came from, it was a great way to end the evening. It traditionally uses Marsala, but this recipe calls for dark rum – you can’t go wrong with rum, right?
Suggested Wine Pairing: Like the gelato, I’d go with a Port or sweet Sherry for this as well.
So that was our wonderful Italian Night for Le Nom! Next month’s assignment? Polynesian/Chinese (odd mix, but people weren’t thrilled with Polynesian, so we decided to mix it up a bit).
What are some of your favorite Italian Dishes? Post below, I’d love to hear them!
A few years ago, Chris and I took our first overseas trip to Italy. I prepared for months for it – not only did I learn some basic Italian, I learned about their culture so I knew what to expect and how to be respectful. Mealtimes in Italy are a different experience than in the States – you can expect to spend significantly longer in a restaurant, with a more relaxed style of service and multiple courses to enjoy. For an eat-while-standing-over-the-sink girl like myself, this was an adjustment, but I appreciated the change. They are also generally set on their offerings – when you order a meal, there isn’t a whole lot of off the menu customization.
On one of the last days of our trip, we were in Venice, and sat down for lunch at a trattoria. I became increasingly sick from my traditional Vacation Sinus Infection, and looked forward to relaxing outside and enjoying some Venetian cuisine. A cruise ship docked in the port for the day bringing with it a grumpy couple who sat down next to us a few minutes after we placed our order. The man frowned and grumbled at the menu, “where’s the pizza?” The woman scanned her own menu, clearly irritated. “We’re in Italy – where’s their pizza?” My husband Chris helpfully pointed out where it was located on the menu. The man glared at the pizza section, never looking up to acknowledge Chris’ existence, never mind his helpfulness. “Where are their toppings? I want a pepperoni pizza!”
I took a sip of my wine and took a breath, hoping the combination of wine and Acti-Due (an Italian version of Sudafed) would slide me into a blissful coma. I hate conflict and sensed these people were going to be a problem. Chris remained friendly and gregarious, because he is nicer than I am. “I don’t think they have pepperoni here. And it’s a little different in Italy – they list what types of pizza they have and you order from one of those selections. There aren’t topping choices the way you see at home.”
“Well, that’s silly,” the woman sighed. “We want a pepperoni pizza.”
Chris shrugged his shoulders. The man looked up from his menu for a second to look around. He growled, “Where’s the waiter? It’s been five minutes,” and stuck his nose back in his menu.
While I silently prayed for them to leave and ruin someone else’s lunch, Chris kept a friendly, disarming demeanor. “Service takes a while everywhere in Italy…”
The man kept his eyes on his menu and actually waved off Chris. It was the “talk to the hand” for dusty old taint hairs, apparently. As Grumpy Old Taint (a.k.a. G.O.T.) did it, the woman started chatting with Chris, and it appeared neither even noticed the rude gesture. They made small talk about where the couple was from, and she discussed their current travels. Surprise, surprise: every country they visited had rude people, and guess what? They hated everything and everyone. I seriously would love to see a Frommer-style guide from this Debbie Downer: “Explore Italy! These Spaghetti-Slurping Assholes Don’t Even Have Pizza!”
G.O.T. abruptly stood up and started flailing his arms as if he were cast out to sea and trying to get the coast guard’s attention. “We need SERVICE! Where’s a WAITER?”
Debbie Downer looked up at her useless taint-hair of a husband. “Charles, the people here are so rude! When are we going to get a pizza?”
Chris looked at me, his eyes saying, Can you believe these people?
I looked at him, my eyes saying, you’re the one who is still talking to them, motherfucker… although I think he interpreted my glance as I know, right?? I really hoped the restaurant knew we weren’t with the Mr. and Mrs. Taint – I didn’t want a loogie in my lunch…
A waiter arrived at their table. G.O.T. was a man who knew what he wanted – you’ve got to give him that. And he wanted PIZZA! PEPPERONI PIZZA! The waiter tried explaining they didn’t have pepperoni. Debbie Downer was not pleased. “How could you not have pepperoni?” She passive-aggressively sighed and bargained to customize a pizza based off of the ingredients they did have available that didn’t sound too “weird” or “unpleasant.” I think they stuck with cheese.
The waiter looked uncomfortable with each question he asked. “Would you like soup with your-“
Our food arrived and I asked for the check, so I could get the hell away from these horrible people as soon as I was done eating. Debbie Downer continued to talk to Chris, and I remained as cordial as I could – unlike G.O.T., even if I don’t like someone I’m going to at least be polite, because I’m not that brand of asshole.
As Debbie Downer talked and complained, G.O.T. snorted and grunted. I ate my meal. What brings people to this point? What lives did these two people live that turned every vacation they ever had into a nightmare? And why did they keep on doing it if they hated it so much? They were fortunate enough to travel overseas and see beautiful things they’ve never seen before. Palaces, weird birds… the most amazing art and architecture in the world! Mr. and Mrs. Taint were very lucky to be in the situation they were in, but they entered into it with the expectation of being disappointed. Paradoxically, having the expectation of disappointment never disappoints.
I remembered a quote from a former manager I had at a retail gig in college. She wisely and simply stated, “you just can’t make some people happy, because they are at their happiest when they are miserable.” Exhibit A and B: sitting next to me in a Venice trattoria.
Chris and I ate our food quickly; even he was tiring of their behavior. The waiter brought back our change, G.O.T. roared “WHERE’S OUR PIZZA?”
Chris and I stood up to leave. Through a forced smile, I said “enjoy the rest of your cruise!”
Debbie Downer gave a “thank you” in a way that told us she didn’t comprehend what “enjoy” meant. Judging by the pizza-deprived caveman she married, I don’t think she ever knew the meaning of the word.
Mr. Taint said something that I could only make out as a “Bah! Grumblesmut!” to bid us adieu. I never wanted to beat someone so senselessly with a pizza pan as bad as I did at that moment.
Chris muttered as we walked away, “so that’s what they mean by ‘ugly Americans.’”
“I have a favor to ask you.”
I stopped him and grabbed his shoulders to look him squarely in the eye. “If I ever turn into that? Fucking shoot me.”
We continued walking. “Same here.”
Delicious-looking pizza photo taken by Celeste C. Thanks, Celeste!