I Hate You, Michael Landon

[Originally posted on November 11, 2011. Surprisingly, this is the most viewed and shared post I have ever written. The internet is mesmerized by Pa Landon’s apple-cheeked death gaze.] An essential part of growing up for any virgin to life is to have your spirits lifted, then promptly trampled on by Michael Landon. Growing up, […]

Learning How to Sleep With Someone

[Originally posted on Mar 11, 2012] There is something we all must learn as we gingerly step into adulthood, and that is how to sleep with someone.  I’m not talking about anything sexual, I am simply talking about learning how to share a bed with another human being.  It’s a tricky thing, this sleeping together, […]

I Gave a Great Happy Ending

[Originally posted on Mar 28, 2012. This is the last entry of my most popular/favorite posts. Everything after this point is in actual posting chronology.] [Note: * indicates a name change] “…And we welcome you to the Friendly’s family!” Upbeat Piano Music faded as the Friendly’s logo proudly remained, its image flickering oh-so-slightly due to […]

Menacing Kitten Services You Part II: The Everyone is Tacky Wedding Edition

Hello, fair felines, to my second edition of The Menacing Kitten Services You. Through the thick storm clouds of writer’s block and moving stress, a beacon of inspiration has cracked through thanks to this lovely article appearing on Jezebel which involves the tackiest people ever to both give and receive a gift. To summarize if […]

Menacing Kitten Headquarters Melts Down, Cries Glowing Chernobyl Tears

As you know, I am moving. What you may not know is my shit is moving out six weeks before I do, nothing is working the way it’s supposed to, nothing is happening on time, everything sucks and hatehatehatemeltdowncry. Allow me to back this up a little. So, we put a bid on a beautiful […]

50 Shades of Dismay – Adventures in Spray Tanning

by Kirsten Benzel I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution. I’m 28. I reasoned that the new year is nothing more then an arbitrary number and I’ll take care of business when it’s time and not when I have a champagne hangover and glitter stuck in my hair. Or maybe I just know deep down […]

Does He Like You? A Junior High Guide

[Note: While I’m pulling my hair out house-hunting, long-distance romancing and dealing with the other wonderful blessings befallen on me at this joyous time, enjoy this older favorite, originally published on August 28, 2011] Let’s face it; dating is never easy.  The first lesson we Virgins to Life all learn, thanks to Head & Shoulders commercials, […]