50 Shades of Dismay – Adventures in Spray Tanning

by Kirsten Benzel

I’ve never made a New Year’s resolution. I’m 28. I reasoned that the new year is nothing more then an arbitrary number and I’ll take care of business when it’s time and not when I have a champagne hangover and glitter stuck in my hair. Or maybe I just know deep down inside that I’m incapable of sticking to something unless I’m one hundred percent damn well good and ready, armed with a prepackaged, intellectual response to parrot during the week leading up to January first.

See, we paid our dues. We hired a trainer, did cardio, ate the right things, at the right time, in the right quantities. And it worked – mostly. I lost 30 pounds of fat and he gained 35 in muscle: keep the fat girl skinny guy jokes to yourself or I’ll poop in your Cheerios. All of that effort was still stacked against a 40 hour workweek in an office chair. Flat, rippled abs? Never happened. I’d watch the infomercials for whatever the trending workout was at the time while mentally screaming “Yeah! Yeah, bitch!! Let’s see you get through 400 emails in one day!”

We did the healthy lifestyle for four years and then fell off the bandwagon. Nine months after that we became Arizona transplants living in San Francisco … and my legs are translucent. My skin tone became a concern a week or so after I failed to roll my skinny jeans up my thighs. You do that “thing” where you start to look for a quick fix to tide you over until the diet starts working. That nine month lapse put me back further then I cared to face directly so a spray tan snuck on the To-Do list.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, emerged from our health sabbatical with the luminous complexion of Michelangelo’s David, looking like King Leonidas with just the faintest ghost of a pooch that could be chalked up to his girlfriend’s bad cooking from the evening prior.

How did I look? Gollum with a potbelly. Imagine Gollum in a snuggly bathrobe sporting giant bear claw slippers while shakily holding a coffee cup and you get the picture.

I was tired of being the same shade of white as the bed sheets and everyone said spray tans worked. A close friend at work. A coworker’s wife. An old therapist. I ignored the little voice in the back of my head that was squealing something about tanning beds still existing and being the primary source of income for tanning shops and if it was so easy then you’d know more then three people who had done it.

At the Salon-Spa a vivacious and suspiciously unbronzed blonde invited me into spray tan booth six.

“I really don’t want to come out of here looking like Boehner”, I said. She advised that I “totally wouldn’t” and she had gotten a spray tan and her friends were armed and ready to give her a hard time and then it looked so good they couldn’t give her any shit. Later on after the damage was done the little voice in my head snotily mentioned, of course her friends wouldn’t give her shit if they wanted to keep using the tanning beds at a discount.

The spray is made of three ingredients. It’s natural and vegan or some shit. The dye is made from green tint so you won’t turn orange.

Lies, the voice said later.

It’s all machine operated to take the human error out of it.

Some idiot sued for an uneven tan and now you’re in your birthday suit encased in a machine designed by lawyers!

It will take about two hours before you start to see the tan, she said. It’s like when you leave an apple out and it turns brown.

You’re spraying a chemical on your skin so air exposure kills it. This will be pretty.

You can get a bronzer for another $5 that makes you immediately tan.

Lock and load, I thought to Spray Tan Booth Six.

The event itself was uneventful and quick. I tried not to think of athletes foot and ringworm and other unknowns underfoot as I spun into Posture Two – a sideways Egyptian pose – in all my chubby glory. Perhaps I noticed some odd splotching on my calves while dressing. It’ll even itself out.

The fallout began later that night during sexy time.

“You smell like … barbeque.” my boyfriend said.

The following morning I rounded the kitchen corner and my boyfriends beautiful luminous eyes take me in, blink, and a snicker escapes.

“There’s just so many things I could say! And they all come so easily!”

“Fine. Since you think this is a riot I’ll just make this extra hysterical for you. Look:”

I showed him the half-inch line around my left ankle where I didn’t remove a pair of anklets before zero hour.

“So those got sprayed?”

“Yep. And so did my hair, because I forgot the hair net.”

He’s now cracking up as I’m examining the contrasted speckles on my right hand while trying to make a funny mental comparison and failing.

I showered. And used a pumice stone everywhere that wasn’t a mucous membrane.

“I can’t even imagine what color the water was in there” he said.

“Shut up. You’re stupid.”

I’m so glad I work at home and it’s January – shucks – and long sleeves are a necessity. This was supposed to be a quick little fix to add some sexy. Too bad it left the object of my affections doubled over, laughing his well-formed posterior off.

 

Do you wish to appear on The Menacing Kitten? Email us at submissions@themenacingkitten.com

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Re-Discovering Creativity: The IT Guy, the Photographer

Matthew Collen is an IT guy.

Well, if you looked at one aspect of him at one point of time in his life, that’s what you would say.  If you asked me a few years ago, I would say Matt is a funny, artistic guy from my high school who loved the Bears and the Cubs – he sat behind me in AP Bio and we participated in good-natured pranks on our Hungarian-born French teacher who often confused the five languages she spoke.

In high school, Matt had a number of interests – drawing, painting, and technology, to name a few.  Like many people, after graduation he recognized only one of his interests led to a viable career option, so he became The IT Guy.  IT is an enjoyable career, but art nagged at him.  Over the years, the desire to create crept up frequently.

Matt discovered digital photography via his love of technology.  Digital cameras were essentially a fun tech toy to learn how to use and fiddle with.  After a couple of years of nerding out on cameras, he took a photo of a daffodil in the snow.  Upon seeing the beautiful image he captured through his lens, he finally saw the art in his hobby, and that artistic void he felt from high school was finally filled. Matt the IT Guy, a.k.a. Matt the Funny, Artistic Guy started sharing some of his photos with friends and family, and he became Matt the Photographer.  I first noticed his talent with this shot from a couple of years ago (click on the photos for a larger image):

Solitary Goose
I asked Matt to talk a little about this photo:
“This was taken during a meetup.com event, full moon.  While the moon was cool to shoot I noticed some geese just hanging right at the edge of the falls behind town hall.  This one goose was not part of the group and lights on the pond were lighting him up on one side only and I thought it would make for a cool shot.  I had a little trouble composing the shot as a newb: rule of thirds, the reflection, blah blah.  Anyhow I ended up liking the shot and it did pretty well for me in competition as well.”

 

Not long after, Matt posted a number of photos he took on the Yale campus, and I particularly enjoyed this one: Melancholy
“This was shot during a meetup.com event at Yale.  It was in the courtyard of one of the libraries… There were four of these at each corner of the fountain so I just lined up the one with the least distracting background and fired away.  I was an early spring day and just a cold dreary day and the title really fit.  I always feel a little weird photographing what is someone else’s art but while it is the subject it is not the whole story.”

 

Matt joined the Milford Camera Club in Connecticut, and began taking a number of classes to further develop his art.  I asked him to talk a little about each of these photos:

Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen
“…After a minor edit this is also known as It’s Always Greener…There is a group of day lilies right by the opening of the gate in my back yard.  Inevitably one will follow you out and get stuck and then eventually get decapitated.  Below the gate is just a pile of ‘heads’ and hence the Trouble I’ve Seen title – well that, and the obvious ‘behind bars’ look.  I really liked the bright red, orange and yellow against the weathered wood of the fence.  This is one of my favorite shots to date and got me an Honorable Mention for the NECCC Winter Inter-Club competition.”

 

Gerber Daisy
“I had just gotten back from a macro course in MA and just had to shoot something.  I ran to Whole Foods, picked out a few nice flowers, brought them home, got in real close and fired away. Macro is one of my favorite types of photography and really is great for those with limited free time.  With a toddler at home free time is hard to come by, but with macro all I need is flower or two and I can set it up in the basement and fire away.  No need to worry about travel, time, daylight, etc…”

 

Vincent Island
“My favorite subject other than my daughter!  I grew up on the beach and this was always there.  Now that I don’t live there I try to shoot it every time I visit as I truly miss it; it knows a lot about me.  I took this shot this past Thanksgiving.  The sun was dropping and while I was hoping for some clouds I think the sky is great and really gives the picture great contrast with the yellowed sea grass and salt heather.  The rock to the left is a major fixture in my childhood, just the whole scene means a great deal to me and I am glad to share it with others as well as capture it as I remember it in case there is a day I don’t have access to it.”

 

Brooklyn Bridge
On a personal note, this is one of my favorites. I miss the northeast and have fond memories of going into New York City as a child.  For me, this shot really takes me back and reminds me how much I loved New York as a kid.  Here are Matt’s comments:
“I took this one with a group of friends from the camera club.  We all met up at 4:00 and drove down to catch the sunrise in NY.  We went over the Brooklyn Bridge and walked around China Town looking for interesting street shots.  I set out to get that shot with no one around.  I ran up ahead of our group only getting sidetracked by the locks all over the bridge.  It is a somewhat cliche shot but it is a classic and one you just have to have – no way I couldn’t take it.”

Many of us unknowingly abandon the things we enjoyed when we’re young.  Matt’s story shows us that even when we leave art behind, art never leaves us – it sits quietly in each of us, waiting for that one little catalyst to awaken it from its slumber.  You just need to find your proper catalyst – it is out there for you, if you are willing to look for it.

I’d like to give a big “thank you” to Matt for allowing me to publish his photography and sharing his story and thoughts. Matt is still a long-suffering Bears fan and I quote, “ an even longer-suffering Cubs fan” who currently lives in Milford, Connecticut with his wife and daughter.

And now, on to the geeky photography details:
Solitary Goose
Canon Rebel XTi, Canon EF 70/300mm (220 mm)
ISO 800, f 5.6, 1/5 sec
Post Processing:  “Just a levels adjust and cloning of a distracting element in the water near the goose.  I was really going for the black and white contrast…”

Melancholy
Canon Rebel XTi, Canon EF 70-300mm (200mm)
ISO 200, f 5.6, 1/160 sec
Post Processing:  “A minor crop and and adjustment to make the image level.  I also softened the background and gave it a sepia like tone when I converted it to black and white.”

Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen
Canon Rebel XTi, Canon EF 70-300mm (160mm)
ISO 200, f 5, 1/320 sec
Post Processing:  “Levels adjustment and burnt in the little bit of the house I caught in the background.”

Gerber Daisy
Tripod Mounted with Cable Release…
Canon Rebel XTi, Canon 100mm Macro
ISO 200, f 3.5, 1/30 sec
Post Processing:  “A small levels adjustment and a white balance adjustment.  I also cropped into it by about half…”

Vincent Island
Canon Rebel XTi, EFS 18-55mm (41mm), Speedlite 430ex II
ISO 400, f6.3, 1/200 sec
Post Processing:  “Just a crop to get it closer to the rule of thirds and then increased the tonality.  I also did some dodging and burning to the grass to give a bit more contrast from the background.  I used the flash for fill light on the grass and rock as I was exposing for the sky and island.”

Brooklyn Bridge
Canon Rebel XTi, Tamron 10-24 mm
ISO 400, f 4.5, 1/1250 sec
Post Processing:  “Converted to Black and White, a minor crop and just increased the tonality of the image to make the clouds and stone pop.”

Images are Copyright 2012 by Matthew Collen

Are you someone who recently re-discovered your creativity? Discuss below, or if you have a great story to share, drop me an email at submissions@themenacingkitten.com.

         

Seeking Guest Bloggers for the Kitten!

I am very excited to announce that The Menacing Kitten is now accepting submissions for guest bloggers!

You may have noticed that I have been posting a little less frequently as of late – unfortunately, my real-life job (the one that actually puts food on my table) is taking up quite a bit of time and energy due to a big database project.  As a result, I am struggling to write quality pieces on a regular basis.  This may very well create a “Virgin to Life” entry on its own, but if there is one thing I’ve learned since starting this blog, I’ve learned I don’t have to do it all on my own. Not only that, it provides me with a wonderful opportunity to promote great writers and other blogs.
Are you interested in sharing something for the kitten? Do you know anyone who is looking for a little extra exposure?  Here are my guidelines:

Required:
Please send all submissions to submissions@themenacingkitten.com with the subject line starting with the word “SUBMISSION:” followed by your article topic or title.  This will help me separate spam from actual content.
Please paste your article in the body of your email OR provide a one paragraph summary with a link to the article.
Provide me with how you want your author credit to read (your name/handle/”Anonymous”), and if you have a blog and/or social media account (Twitter, Facebook fan page, etc.) you wish to promote.

Topic Suggestions / What I am looking for:
If you know my site, you’ll generally know what I enjoy posting here.  If you are looking for ideas, I am particularly interested in the following areas:

Op-Eds: Is there a news event in your area that has national implications? Is there a trend you want to comment on, or a story that has no clear answer? Do you have an insight or belief you don’t feel is adequately discussed in a civil matter in the media? (see Celebrity Deaths, When Republican Isn’t ConservativeThe Fine Line Between Self-Defense and Manslaughter)
Virgin to Life stories: Are you a good storyteller and want to share an event that changed your life? (see The Lying Liar, The Boob Tube, A Ghost in the Corporate Machine)
Food & Wine:  Do you want to celebrate regional cuisines or local vineyards, or provide wine tasting tutorials?
Entertainment: Do you have any personal top 5 or top 10 lists? (see Dig if U Will, Gimme Some Lovin’ ) Do you want to promote an up-and-coming band? Are you a musician or artist who has a unique and creative way to promote your work?
Humor: Do you have something funny to say about work or relationships? Or anything else for that matter? (see Learning How to Sleep with Someone, Does He Like You? A Junior High Guide, Email Hell)

I am truly excited about this, because there are subjects you can write about that I cannot.  There are stories in your life that are worth sharing with others, and I hope to help you do that.  I look forward to hearing from you!

Got any questions? Post below!

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net